Playing the Gratitude Game

While preparing for a recent family gathering I was feeling a bit on edge. I love my family, but sometimes family members make ourselves hard to like.

We all do it. Long years of knowing one another can make it too easy to push one another’s buttons. Grown siblings sometimes reenact our childhood rivalries. Even in our gray-haired years, parents and children are still parents and children.

Our Dear Curmudgeon

I knew going into this gathering that one beloved octogenarian relative — someone we all love and for whom we have deep gratitude — has a strong curmudgeonly streak. In recent years, that streak often comes out with a tinge of vitriol, or as diatribes against All That Is Wrong With The World Today.

And I admit I find that tiring, especially when what we want is a chance to catch up, to share stories, to have a meal together, and to smile, laugh, and embrace those we have not seen for a long time.

Our Dear Curmudgeon (let’s call him D.C.) has great stories, and when he tells them, it’s like he is opening up a family treasure chest and showing us wonders he has collected from times and places we will never see in person.

But when D.C. rails against These Gloomy Times in which we dwell, it has the ironic effect of making our time together just a bit gloomier.

The Game

So as I packed for the trip, I was trying to figure out what we could do to bring some joy to the gathering.

And then it hit me: I love D.C.’s stories, so I enlisted other members of the family to help me to set the stage for D.C. to tell more stories.

It went like this: Whenever D.C. lamented, we would see which of us could get him to tell us something he’s grateful for.

And it had to be done with love, and care, and art. No one could say “What are you grateful for, D.C.?” Instead, if D.C. complained about the government, we had to ask something like “You’ve seen a lot of changes in government in your lifetime. What are some of the best ones you’ve seen?”

The key here is not to play a trick on D.C., nor to turn D.C. into the foil of some joke. The key was to remind ourselves that D.C. is a gift to us all, and that behind his frequent complaints there’s a treasury of stories of good things he has seen and done. (He really is amazing, after all.)

The Results

Over our four days together, the result was that we got to hear a lot of good stories. It didn’t stop the complaints, but then our aim was not to control D.C., only to invite D.C. to share what he knows, and then to listen.

Along the way, it became clear (to me, at least) that one of the reasons D.C. is troubled by the world is that he loves us all deeply. As one of the oldest members of the family, he hopes we will see less trouble and more joy than he has. He wants his kids, grandkids, cousins, nephews and nieces, and everyone else to live well in good times.

Another Way To Play The Game

The game had a second benefit, one that probably won’t surprise you: it reminded me that I also have a bit of a curmudgeon inside me. Don’t we all?

And like D.C., I worry sometimes when I see the state of the world my kids are inheriting from my generation. I want them to live joyful lives, full of love, full of the best passions and full of compassion for those in need.

So I’m now trying to play the game with myself, like this: when I start to complain, I ask myself (with love, and care, and art, if I’m able) “You’ve had a lot of interesting experiences in your life. What have been some of the best of those experiences?”

And then I follow up with more questions, like “Who needs to hear about those experiences?” And “What can you do to help others to live well right now?”

Giving thanks feels good. Remembering things I’m thankful for often reframes my view of the world. Remembering those in need as I give thanks reminds me that we’re all part of a bigger community. This life we live is, after all, an ongoing family gathering. And getting along with our family can be hard.

But it’s also something to be grateful for, isn’t it?

Thanks for reading this far, and for giving me more to be grateful for!

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